dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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