Can i not drive my cunt home
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
