Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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