Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I checked into jail on foursquare
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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