he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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