so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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