So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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