Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
