I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
