good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize