I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
