I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
