I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
