woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
