Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
