I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
