It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
