you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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