apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
