i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
