I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
