Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
