Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
