Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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