You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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