Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
