I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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