you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
