The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
