Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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