Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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