Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
