I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
