My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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