his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
