So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
