I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
