I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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