I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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