Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize