so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
