I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize