Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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