His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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