No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
