It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
