you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
