I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
