he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
