The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
