Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
