I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
