You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize