my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
