you would pick up someone in the library
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
my liver is dry heaving
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
