i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
