If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Randomize