we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
